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No Reason

the-anxious-and-angsty-ones:

Why are you depressed?
You don’t look like you have a reason to be.
Two parents who love you.
A close family bond.
A core group of friends.
That love you and care for you.
That smile and energy you have every day.
It looks like nothing is wrong.
But that is so far from the truth.
That smile is a gigantic mask
To hide the causes I don’t want you to see.
Physically, things are fine.
Mentally, it’s hell on Earth.
Insecurities buckle you.
Irrational thoughts cripple you.
Loneliness consumes you.
Well then why are you suicidal?
You don’t look like you have a reason to be.
No one in your life is gone or passed away.
You don’t look totally miserable.
You have a great family and great friends.
I’ve seen depression much worse than yours.
Well thank you for that.
Because reassuring me that my problems are miniscule
In comparison to others is just what I need.
You’re essentially telling me
I don’t have enough credentials to kill myself.
That I need more things to justify suicide.
Well, here’s my credentials.
I’m depressed, I’m lonely, I’m confused.
I feel unfixable, like a lost cause.
And don’t go trying to say there aren’t lost causes in this world.
Because we all know that there are.
Life is boring and the fun things don’t matter
When I get to my nadir.
Don’t say I have no reason to feel like this.
Because you don’t even know the half of it.

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A New Mindset

the-anxious-and-angsty-ones:

Dear Friend,

I got some relief from all the pain and misery.
For a few weeks, I was fine.
Purely happy and optimistic.
Fully confident and enthusiastic.
Nothing seemed to bring me down.
For a while there, I thought I was normal.
Then, I don’t know what happened.
Those indestructible forces I had put up
just seemed to crumble like the Berlin Wall.
Out of nowhere.
The demons I thought I had put to rest
rose up and bursted straight into my mind.
Relentless in their tormenting.
I’m trying to fight back but
Nothing seems to be working.
These thoughts have rendered me useless.
A motionless, silent shell of a person.
They’re not real, they’re not true.
And yet I still choose to believe them and
Let them destroy me.
The mental pain is causing physical pain too.
My back hurts, my ribs ache,
My knee buckles, I have a migraine.
I honestly question suicide at this point.
Walking into my kitchen now is
Walking into a room filled with things to end it all.
Slit, cut, stab.
Is that all I need?
Or maybe I should just go outside.
Wait by the curb and jump in front of a speeding car.
What if I just raid the medicine cabinet
And pop whatever random things are there
and just take a nap?
Would that be good enough?
Maybe I should leave a note.
Or maybe I shouldn’t. I dont know.
I know what you’re thinking though.
But what about your friends and family?
Aren’t you thinking about them?
Yeah, I am.
Honestly, this is a selfish idea.
But I’ve never been selfish before in my life.
I’ve always thought about caring for others.
Putting their needs in front of mine.
Maybe its time I took care of my needs.
Did something for myself.
But hey, it’s better to burn out than fade away.
Right?

Love Always,
Charlie

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